How do you handle a non-rejection? What are you supposed to feel if you’ve been shafted by the shadow of a ghost? An apparition that only exists within the realm of your subconscious imaginations. How does one handle the cocktail of conflicting emotions?
I wonder if I’ve let a chance slip me by. If I’d work hard to pursue my beloved, would she, in turn, love me back. I believe deep down within the deepest folds of our hearts, there might still be lingering throes of emotions, hanging on desperately. But what I believe scantly matters. It would seem that my fortitude for inaction might stem from my deep rooted fear of smearing the one true memory of my first love. That what she evolved to be after more than a decade, might not be something I would perceive to be as ‘perfect’. De-throning the angel in my mind would cause nothing but agony and divine loneliness.
Yet I know that my actions weren’t as noble as I make them out to be. I was just plain lazy and preoccupied with my friends. My lack of motivation is astounding. The primal lusts of my sex drive and my desire to find a companion cannot overcome the basis of who I am, slacker and degenerate.
Yet, who am I to blame? I am me. Lazy, unfocused and broken. When will I ever fill this chasm within me? Will you come claim me?